The Boulder Inquisition

When I visit your web site ...

Dear «Company XYZ»:

When I visit your web site,

• I do not want music or voices to start coming out of my computer speakers, especially if what I’m there for is to check my bank balance.
• I do not want to wait the extra 7.2 seconds it takes for your WAAAY TEH K001 Flash Intro to download. Neither do I want to wait the additional 2.6 seconds it takes my browser to load the Flash plugin and start playing said WTKF intro. Especially if what I’m there or is to check my bank balance.
• In fact, if what I’m there for is to check my bank balance, all I really want to see is
  • an appropriate level of security in your authentication mechanism, and
  • my frickin’ bank balance
• If, on the other hand, I am at your web site to order a particular book (You remember those heavy, paper things? Yeah, one of those.), all I really want to see is,
  • a small number of forms to fill out and pages to click through before I find the book;
  • an appropriate level of security when you collect my credit card number; and
  • a link to come back to when I get worried that my book hasn’t arrived yet.
• I do not particularly care (most days) what others who viewed my search results ended up buying, nor which consumer electronics and lingerie were of interest to people who bought the book I just bought. I came to buy a book, not a frickin’ sateen iPod sleeve.

The remainder of the rant is left as an exercise for the reader.

That will be all.